Well, I a pretty pissed. I had a folder for my blog, that included TONS of top ten lists, and a name list for the blog, plus all my drafts, and its like GONE. GONE. G.O.N.E. I have no idea what happened. The entire folder, plus a lot of my other drafts, like resumes and such. Then my daughter had a power point done for school that went missing too. Do computers usually eat your work? Well, after being pissed off about it for a few days, I realized there is nothing I can do about it, so WTF.
Other than that, life has been pretty much the same. My OCD seems a little more intense these days, and the doctor seems to want to pump me full of drugs to deal with it. I don’t think that is going to happen, those mind altering drugs scare the living fuck out of me. Not only was my mother a huge addict, but I had a terrible reaction to those drugs the last time, and I have not been the same since. That story is a blog in itself, trust me. So, he writes me a script the other day, and I come home to research it, and the first thing I read, is that while this drug treats OCD the most aggressively, it is a second class drug due to all the side effects. And some of them seem really nasty, so I am gonna pass….thanks Doc, but no thanks. For several years now, I have used Cannabis to control my OCD and anxiety, and while it does work when I need it to, it is not something I want to smoke all day long every day, I just like it at night mostly, when it is time to relax after a long day. It takes the edge off so I can get things done and then unwind. Having bad OCD makes me anxious pretty much all the time, so it makes me be able to relax enough to unwind from 60-0 and actually sleep. My kids enjoy that I am not so cranky after as well. Doc says there is no real harm in it, I had to quit once for two weeks last year for some surgery I was having, not a big deal, but took it back up after as it helps so much.
This weekend Z is having a sleepover for her birthday. Z is my –just-turned-15 year old daughter. She is technically my ex D’s daughter, but I have been raising her for almost the last five years. She is a pretty awesome kid too, so I think I might keep her, LOL. She is having a co-ed group of six over, so this should be fun. They are actually all pretty good kids in that group, so I am sure all will be fine, as long as they have an endless supply of junk food. We are getting an ice cream cake from Cold Stone. If you have not tried their ice cream, I HIGHLY recommend it. Hopefully I will be able to sleep at some point and the giggling and/or screaming (horror flicks) won’t keep me up. We are shipping my son G off for the night, cuz he is almost two years younger, and I am sure you all know that younger siblings are NOT cool when friends are over……if I am still alive next week, you will hear from me again….if this is my last blog ever, the teenagers got me, LOL.
I have been getting pretty good at ad matching and couponing as of late. I have a friend K that is pretty good at it herself, and we have been talking and looking out for good deals for each other. She actually was an ad matching pro, and I was the coupon queen, so we have teamed up. Look out! You don’t realize how much it adds up until you actually put a little effort into it. I had two shopping trips this weekend, a big one on the weekend with O and D, and a smaller one yesterday with another friend of mine, M, whom I took out to teach how to do ad matching, (she was a tad nervous about doing it herself). Between the two trips, I spend, $197.00, and saved, $390.30 between ad matching and coupons. Which is great, as I did not have $587 to spend, lol. When I take my bi-weekly shopping trips, I am going to post my coupon tracker on the next blog I write, however, keep in mind, this total is coupons only, if you do ad matching on top of that, your savings will blow that out of the water. The best buy of this week was Olay Body Wash. The 900ml retails at Wal-mart for $8.47, however, it was on sale at Food Basics for $3.49. Then I had several coupons for buy two Olay products, get $5.00 off, which means, I paid $1 each. ONE DOLLAR, for body wash that has a retail value of $8.47……WOW.
Last night I watched the new ‘I Spit On Your Grave’. I was rather intense, but great torture porn. One of the better ones, like ‘Hostel 2’ and ‘Captivity’. If you like that sort of thing, and I do, I would recommend it. If you do not, I suggest you do not. I was told that it can make your stomach queasy. If you are a sadist, like me, it can cause an evil grin to come over your face. I remember when I went to see ‘Hostel 2’ for the first time, I was in the theatre with one my best friends, A, and there is an Elizabeth Bathory scene. So, there is a naked woman laying in a tub, and another naked girl hanging from a meat hook above her. The girl is trembling in fear, and crying. The entire audience was silent. A had tears coming from her eyes from the shear emotion and fright of it. I tried, I really did. After a minute or so, I could not help it anymore, and I just burst out laughing. A was so mad, she said she was never going to the movies with me again. She did, lol. I tried, I really did, but I just could not hold it in anymore. The sadist in me was identifying not with the victim, like most people do, but with the perpetrator. Just like the beginning of the movie, there are several guys, normal, family guys, in business meetings, play golf, ect, betting on victims. I was SO drawn into that, it took everything out of me not to jump up and scream out loud when the auction of victims closed and the lead character won. Man, A would have REALLY killed me if I did that.
It is a very interesting fine line between BDSM and uncontrolled sadism. When you look at the serial killers of our time, a good number of them are into BDSM, but are not controlled within themselves. Jeffery Dahmer, BTK, Paul Bernardo, Hillside Stranglers and Charles Ng, and countless others, all have what seems to be an obsession with BDSM but did not use the right channels to fulfill it. Sometimes I wonder what the difference is between them and me. Why did I end up on this side of the fence and them on the other. If you look at the classic beginning life of serial killers, they look not too different than mine. The only two things that REALLY stand out as not like me are bedwetting, I never did that, and torture of animals, which I not only would never do, but it makes me really mad and sick to my stomach, I LOVE animals. Another kind of sadism that I don’t like is things like Nazi’s or racist’s, (see last blog). Things like that make me sick to even think about, but give me a helpless adult girl or boy even, and I could do things that I could not even say here. Things that would make most of you cringe. Odd how the mind works.
Typical characteristics of serial killers include:
Intelligence, with IQs in the "bright normal" range. (Yes, my IQ is 131)
Often, they have trouble staying employed and tend to work in menial jobs. The FBI, however, states, "Serial murderers often seem normal; have families and a steady job. Other sources state they often come from unstable families. (I came from an unstable family, but now have a very stable family and job)
As children, they are often abandoned by their fathers and raised by domineering mothers. (My father did not abandon me, but he did die at a young age and my mother was VERY domineering to my father, and me, until I was old enough to dominate her)
Their families often have criminal, psychiatric and alcoholic histories. (I have a criminal record {Juvenile thank God}, and psychiatric {OCD}, I do NOT drink alcohol at all)
They were often abused — emotionally, physically and/or sexually — by a family member. (My mother abused me emotionally and mentally for sure….physically only one time that I can remember, sexually, I am not sure about, that will be a topic for another blog)
They have high rates of suicide attempts. (No)
More than 60 percent wet their beds beyond the age of 12. (No, I don’t have even one memory of bed wetting)
They are involved in sadistic activity or torturing animals. (Sadistic activity is a giant YES, torturing animals, never even close)
They were frequently bullied as children. (Not really, had a run in here and there, but I always stood up for myself)
Some were involved in petty crimes, such as theft, fraud, vandalism, dishonesty or similar offenses. (Yes lots of this when I was young)
So, yes, sometimes it makes me wonder why I did not end up the next Charles Manson, but I am thankful that I am not. I have always been fascinated with serial killers to. I remember in grade school we had to write a speech on any topic we choose, and I chose Charles Manson, who was my first serial killer that I really got into. The school called my parents, as they felt that I was siding with him. A few of my friends were creeped out. I was obsessed with him for a good long while, and even though I have found others that I am fascinated in, he was like a first love. Which is actually a bit ironic, considering he is a racist. But in his time, most white people were, I wonder if he has evolved at all since then. For more than ten years, he was my primary interest in the serial killer realm. I was always amazed how he got so many people to blindly follow him, even to murder, its intoxicating. Jeffery Dahmer was the second one I really was into, and after that, it just kind of snowballed. It is obviously the sexual sadism that attracts me to them (with the exception of Charlie, it was his power), as the killers that do not have a sexual aspect to their killings such as Son of Sam or Richard Kuklinski do not interest me at all, in fact, I find them rather boring. Sometimes I can get really turned on by reading the evil deeds of these killers. I know that is not morally or socially acceptable, but I do not control it, any more than anyone else controls what turns them on. The important part is that I never act on those fantasies.
Well, that is all for now, I could go on and on, but I must get something productive done……I know this blog was all over the place, talking about so many different random topics at once, but that is what I wanted this site for, to be able to express all sides of me…..loving mother, coupon queen and sadistic driven…...so, until another day readers……..
Unknown Sister
