Friday, September 9, 2011
Brokeback Mountain and The Story Of T
I watched Brokeback Mountain with Z this summer….that is my 100% favorite, hands down, romantic movie. That movie takes me through so much emotion. Every time I watch it, I know I am going to both laugh and cry. The core of the story is what gets to me, the idea of being in love and yet not be able to be with that person is so maddening. The whole idea of the story reminds me of a relationship I had once. Ironically, I was told by the other party in this relationship that after watching the movie Monster, it reminded her of us……gee thanks….bet you can all guess which lead I was….
I have had several long term intense relationships in my life…..ironically, most of them were with partners whose names started with D. Then there were a few others….including one I will call T. T and I met on a telephone service, that was mainly for intimate encounters. We chatted on the phone a few weeks, and then met at a restaurant, which, was quite the night. But that is a whole other blog…..
Anyway, at that point in my life, I had an almost two year old son, and I had been out of the BDSM thing since I was pregnant, and really craving some play. I placed an ad, saying I was looking for a submissive, and right before Christmas 1999 I got her message. I called her and we chatted for a couple minutes, and I told her that being Christmas time (it was literally a week or two away), and having a little one, AND working retail, that my life was insane, but I would get back to her right after the new year. She said to me, way afterwards, that she did not think she would ever hear from me again, but I did call her about a week after New Years.
In the ad, I had stated that I was married (even though I was not and will never be), because I had already had more than one experience with having an ongoing thing with someone that thought sooner or later I would leave my partner and be with them, so I figured that saying I was married would take care of that, no room for misunderstandings. When we first chatted on the phone, I told her I wanted something ongoing and intense, but was already married so it would never be a live-in situation, or anything more than what I had stated. She said she was great with that, as she had just gotten out of a ten year marriage and was not ever interested in getting married again.
So, after a few weeks of phone chat, we met for drinks at a restaurant and seemed to hit it off pretty well. I guess at this point, I should probably point out that she was actually a male…..when she answered the ad, she did so from the POV of a submissive male, and when I met her, I was under the impression that she was male….that night at the meeting, she told me she like female clothes and such, and I thought, ok, a sissy, I can be into that. (Although, just for the record, I am only into sexy crossdressers, not silly sissies, they just make me laugh, and do NOT turn me on.) Before her, when I was a teenager, I had a hot affair with a crossdresser, so I was totally into that. As time went on, she slowly admitted to me that she was not really a sissy, but more of a transsexual. She was TOTALLY like a female in her way of thinking/feeling/reacting. So I have always, and most likely will always, think of her as a female.
After that first meeting, I went to her place, about a week later, for a session. I have to admit that I was craving some play pretty bad, it had been a LONG while, and I jumped right in with both feet, rather freaking her out at first (she told me this later), but the night went pretty good. For the next month or so, I would come up every ten days or so, spend about five or six hours, and then head home. About six weeks in, my birthday came up, and a friend and I went to her place for drinks (she served us), and then out to a bar, and I went back to her place to spend the night for the first time. After that, I was basically spending every other weekend with her, and sometimes would go up for just a few hours in the alternate week. Things went very good for a long while. We had great sexual chemistry and the sessions were pretty good. We also had a lot of fun together, I loved taking her out on small ‘dates’ between play, she was always so well behaved. Of course, we had a few small glitches, but nothing major for a long time. After a couple years (between two and three sometime), she did something I really did not like (long story), and it rubbed be terribly the wrong way. I felt that I had lost a lot of my interest in her. Not that I was not attracted to her anymore, cuz that would not have happened like that, but I was so disappointed in her that I was not interested in controlling her as much. We grew apart some, then eventually had an argument and stopped talking.
Some time pasted, a long time actually, maybe a year or so if I remember correctly. We started chatting again via email. I have to admit that I missed her terribly, but looking back, I should have let well enough alone. We emailed often, and eventually started to chat on the phone again. My memory is pretty bad these days, but that must have gone on for some long ass time, cuz I remember when we were emailing it was pretty often, but I did not have a home computer at the time, so I was stopping on the way home from work to email her. I remember sending an email when my mother died, which was in May, saying that I might not be around for some time, and the other timeline I remember, is when I finally had enough and wanted to see her, it was the following March, as I only had a week or two until D returned home, and wanted her to come and spent a weekend with me before that. So I guess we played the back and forth email game for an extended period of time. Anyway, I remember that I picked her up from the bus station, we got some DVDs and did not really make it though them. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, after over a year and a half apart, I do not think she was here two hours before I had her naked. I just could not keep my hands off her. I do remember that we had a great weekend. At that point, however, I was not sure if getting back into something serious with her was a great idea, so I encouraged her to still meet others.
After a while, a month or so perhaps – not sure how accurate my timeline is, my memory is TERRIBLE, it started to become more serious again. And here is the kicker. The first while we were together, I was very closed off as far as my emotions went. She hated that, she was always telling me that I had to show her more affection, and I always told her that was just not me. When I would try and speak about how I feel, I would just close up and would not be able to speak at all. I loved her very much, but I just could not express it in such words. When things got heated the second time, I made a VERY serious effort to change that. Which in hindsight, was my biggest mistake. Anyway, without getting into too much detail, after a few months, four or five I think, it blew up in my face. Things went terribly wrong, I had opened the floodgates of emotion and could not stop it, and it took over my thinking. That has to be the worse break up I had ever had in my life. My heart and emotion took over my head, and I could not think straight, I could not function, and I could not control my own emotions, it was terrible. I was a fucking mess, straight up.
There was so much fighting and stuff going on, I do not even remember all of it, but the long and short of it was this: she moved into a place that was owned by a girl that was interested in her, that made me crazy. She was also talking about moving to my city, to be closer to me, that freaked me out. She was upset because I did not want to commit to being so close to her, but I did not want her to have total freedom either, and I admit, that was not fair to her. However, that was what I was looking for when I placed the ad, and she was well aware of it. We argued that point quite a bit, I totally remember that, I would say, that is what I said I wanted, she would say, that is what she thought she wanted too, but now she wants more. And the one thing she said, that I will NEVER forget, because it stung my heart like a bee was this. “After five years, I thought, one day, you would look in my eyes and change your mind”. I will never, ever forget that line, it tore me apart. I loved her so much, but I still wanted what I wanted at the beginning. So much for saying I am married to fix that problem.
Sooner or later, the fighting stopped, and we no longer spoke. A tore up all my letters from her, I took her art down from the wall, I could not stand to look at them, although they have been back up for years now. I erased all her voicemail, and emails, I had to get her out of my head. I was a fucking hot mess. That was actually the beginning of a downward spiral for me, that was not caused by this, of course, but it certainly contributed to it.
Which brings us back to Brokeback Mountain. That feeling of intense love, and want, but cannot have. I identify with Ennis. He loved Jack, but could never just be with him. He felt that loss of love when Jack died, and he would never be the same again after their relationship. That is often how I think of my relationship with T………..